Journey

Again. Haha. I feel much better after that rant from yesterday. I supposed it unlocked something else in me too. Though maybe from another perspective, it is, but another chain. There’s this shadow of a person flitting about in my mind. Even though I’ve refrained from communication (just once) and thinking, it is always lurking under the layers of consciousness. Sometimes, even in the middle of work, my attention just wanders over to the MSN list. What must I do to break this chain, or why am I unable to let go?

The words, never spoken, ever on the tip of my lip
The actions, never taken, occur nightly in my sleep
The songs, ever sung, resound in my throat so deep
The questions, ever wondered, drive me up this cliff so steep

As I have said, I can’t even begin to understand. I cant tell whether I really miss people actually. People have passed into and out of my life so often, I even wonder how keenly I can feel anything sometimes. I have people who spend much more effort to keep me talking. Hardly do I have to spend as much effort to keep any other conversation going. Hardly do I… haiz. Forget it. I need to think less, and just let things drop. I cant even meditate properly. A shadow becomes clearer and clearer as there is more light. I lost touch with fear, but it’s back to haunt me.

The funny thing is, even as I was typing it, I was laughing. Maybe at my own foolishness. Or maybe its just my perfectionist tendency. I never thought it would be easy. I must give myself enough time I guess. But while this aspect of my journey is not progressing as well, other parts are certainly doing fine! My own studies have given me much more insights. My confidence in work gets ever better. And many more. Either life is telling me to go resolve it, or I should learn a lesson of endurance, patience, and yes, suffering. What am I to think?

I want… 251521. It’s simple enough to decode I suppose. Let’s hope this is just passing, and I regain control of myself soon!