Goodbye. End of blog. Guess it won’t live to a 100 posts. At least it lasted slightly more than half a year. And my final post on the blog…

Looking at the deep dark sky, a shooting star so bright
Wished upon that little lie, a life so full of light
Gazing back into the past, oh such a sorrowful sight
Clutching at straws of the future, results of the word might

Truth is, I’ve always known. As we all do. Deep down. Let go.

Just as I am doing with this blog.

A fond adieu, my friend.

The only certainty I have now is that of uncertainty. I’m not even sure sometimes what to think, feel, say, or do. I see, but do not see. I hear, but do not hear. And I look into the mirror, and see a stranger. I, who am not me. Yet me it is nonetheless. What a nice parody.

Sometimes, I really think I am going crazy. Yet crazy I am not.

Ask me why. I don’t know. Or maybe I do. Who knows?

I have many questions. But I have no answers. Or do I?

Save me?

Aloha… live the aloha way of life!

A = AO

1. Light – In our behavior, one of the things that we need to do is to look to see that all of our behavior moves us toward the light. Therefore always ask: does my behavior lead me toward earth-ing my energy or toward enlightenment? So we should be acting in a way that leads others and ourselves toward the light, in the direction of the light with watchful alertness.

2. To look -HO’O AO to look for right time and right place. To pay attention to what’s happening around you, look outside self, being circumscribed (meaning appropriate in all occasions). Someone not circumscribed will act silly and talk, talk, talk… And then we talk we’re not listening. Interesting people like to overwhelm us. Interested people listen to us. So, look around and take everything in. Pay attention!! You have to choose whether it is the right timing to say what you have to say out loud or not.

L = LOKAHI

Oneness. Oneness among us. All is one. We need to support the people that are with us on the path. Anything less than 100% support is sabotage. Oneness requires being PONO and ONE with everybody. PONO means, if you’ve got something with me, come and tell me. The process can be done inside self and outside in person. Get together and talk it out. (KUKA KUKA) If you are “inside” you can’t look to the other person to see if you’re PONO. This is why it is very important to know how to listen and look across rather than talk and look inside.

O = OIAIO

I’O = truth. Tell the truth. Most of us are too polite to tell each other the truth and by this action we actually don’t participate totally in the process of constructing our Universe. Apart of the fact that we put this message out as being all right, we hold back a part of us and we don’t have total truth. Therefore we can’t have Oneness. Withholding something back is just not allowing us to be one with anyone.

H = HA’A HA’A

Means to be humble. HA’A HA’A is a very important concept in being aware. Ego is a big trap in the spiritual evolution. The minute you think you know something, you’re ruined in spiritual matters. The only reason you’re not saying the truth is ego. “He doesn’t deserve the truth”. If you play the game of power you’ll always have to know more than others. If you’re playing the game of showing off, you’ll always have to have more than others to show.

On the other hand, the more you’re putting out there in terms of sharing with others, the more is coming back to you, and accordingly you get more and more energy coming to you. Remember to remain humble. If you think you know more than others, then you have to prove it, and the minute you have to prove it, it becomes power and the minute it’s power it’s not the last A …
which is:

A = ALOHA

Absolute, true love. The minute you think you’re better than somebody else, the minute you make comparisons, judgments and spiritual judgments, you separate yourself from the true Love. In that moment you give up the spark of divine essence that comes from pure spirit, the love that we are, all of us. The minute we make comparisons, we’re not HA’A HA’A. According to the research, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, wrote in a book: “before you go you’re going to be asked: Did you love enough? Did you learn enough?”

Why am I driven to keep learning, when learning brings me pain? There is but one answer. Seeking is part of our lives. Let go of attachment to outcomes.

10 more posts to 100. Will this blog survive that long? Over the past few days, I’ve been reading into more esoteric stuff. Mainly Atlantis. Some would call it fool’s gold, but the allure of Atlantis remains for me nonetheless. Knowledge that was lost. How I wish so much to go Atlantis-hunting. I’ve also tried an online tarot reading from the Thoth deck. The first time was a general reading, and it got what I’ve been thinking about exactly. The second time was a specific question, and it was related. Amazingly, the important cards were the same, while the rest did change to match the circumstances I phrased the question in. Maybe it was just coincidence, but who knows?

Project Optimize is my most recent attempt to spice up my com. Probably the last 1 b4 my old friend here dies. Although I know none of you except Kenny would probably be able to try this, I’m still gonna recommend the software. nlite. Basically, it allows u to strip down XP to a bare minimum. Vista users can opt for vlite. TinyXP, created with nlite, can run on 40MB of memory and takes less than 1/3 the space of the original installation. Woah. My first attempt has ended in failure, after testing it out on a virtual emulator. Problem? Drivers not installed. So I’m gonna reconstruct the CD when I can again. Argh.. how I wish to use a blazingly fast photoshop!! And to emulate Mac without it taking exorbitant amounts of memory.

Work = tired = no comments. Haha…

There’s so many things I wish to share, but it would probably bore the hell out of most people. I guess I’ll stick to my personal KMS (Knowledge Management System). Any of you interested in setting up a portable blog/wiki? It’s possible you know… I’ll be using the wiki as my personal KMS for now. Hahaha…

518 714118119

The past two nights have been plagued by pain. I’ve never had a lucid dream throughout this whole period of time here. Yet for two consecutive nights, I’ve been tormented by these stupid dreams.

Why am I being attacked on those very issues? The first, a heart-wrenching choice I didn’t make before I woke up. Or was it fate that had me wake just before making a choice, to remind myself that I had yet to make a choice myself in real life? The second, a fear that haunts me across my childhood years to now. I hadn’t realized what it meant to go into the shadow. For once, maybe I should say “I don’t want.”

But maybe these are lessons for me. To help me grow and learn. It could be coincidence, but I doubt it too. Perhaps, the real answer lies in going deeper into the shadow. And to at last, confront the repressed darkness within me, in an attempt to at last be one with myself.

Once upon a time, there was someone whom learned a secret. It was a secret that many people come to learn in life. But the difference was, this secret was learned very early in life. And so, it changed the person’s life. Like it always has, like it always will. But like all things in life, secrets carry a double-edged sword. And this secret was no exception. And so, the cycle of life continues.

The person continued on in life. With the secret, it wasn’t that hard to become “superior”. Or so it seemed. Life was going on smoothly. With the secret, no stones were left unturned in the journey. And so it went on. For a long time, a very long time. Oh, there were obstacles strewn in the path, no doubt. But as always, with the secret, the major challenges were taken care of, the minor problems ignored.

Life became a major bore. To stimulate more excitement into life, the person took up ever more and more. One wonders why now. Was it really to challenge oneself? Or is it nature’s instinct to play with fire, then crash and burn, whenever our ignored problems snowball into one huge avalanche? Undoubtedly, no one person can bear that weight. And of course, the inevitable breakdown. And the huge reversal in life. Just like the pendulum, swinging from one extreme to another.

The person saw the trap of the secret now. But there was no escape. Or so the secret made it seem. The trap had tight jaws… escaping from it seemed impossible. Until another person appeared. For once, there was a glimmer of hope that the trap could be smashed apart. It wasn’t anything said or done. It was in how the trap didn’t exist at times all of a sudden. But the person started to grow afraid. See, the trap has become a safety net. By acting from a standpoint of the victim of the trap, it was easy to come up with excuses.

But the moments when the trap disappeared happened more often. And whenever it came back, the feeling of confusion became ever greater. As fate would have it though… an event happened to change the confusion. Gone to some other place, the person finally had time to be trapped firmly within the secret again. Or so it seemed. See.. the trap doesn’t come with the secret. The secret is a tool like any other. Only when we become dependent on the secret do we trap ourselves firmly within it. And that has thus become the new secret.

But the new secret doesn’t allow for excuses. It also doesn’t provide answers. And oftentimes, it is easy to lose track of the new secret, and live in the trappings of the old. And that leaves the person quite confused also.

Have you ever noticed that we are not ourselves? We have voices in our head, talking to each other. The one which we listen to then helps shape our personality. But is that who we truly are? I was a pre-mature baby. Born purple-faced, and god knows whether I would have lived, I was much more stupid than most kids my age. But I learned something. About the mind. And how to think. All of a sudden, life changed. Whole new worlds opened up. To this date.. I am still very grateful to my Pri 1 form teacher. Unfortunately, he is dead. From cancer. Although after switching primary school, I didn’t contact him, but there was once when I saw him on the TV. Talking about his cancer. He was crying, talking about his children. He’s the tallest man I remember in my whole life that I have ever met. When he came to my house back at Pasir Ris, he had to bend so much to come inside. I still remember the funny joke about watermelon and 我的美人. His chinese really sucked. Hahaha… See, he gave me a great gift. He empowered me with the gift of thinking. No one can teach you how to think. But once you understood what thinking was, didn’t your life change about? Maybe you don’t remember. But I do. The criticisms. The scolding. The exasperation. The helplessness. Knowing that it was possible to use my mind allowed me to train it, then use it in ways I never thought possible. The criticisms became praise. The scolding became envy. The exasperation faded to satisfaction. The helplessness changed to empowerment.

Learning is the tool that facilitates thinking. Thinking is really a very simple business. It’s about using paradigms to form thoughts. Learning creates new paradigms, thus facilitating new thoughts. It helped a lot that I was fascinated with reading. The vivid imagery touched my heart, and I strove to just keep reading. Learning. And it made life much more simpler. Once in awhile, that 小聪明 wasn’t nearly enough by itself to overcome the challenges that came. So I had to put in hard work now and then. But for the everyday things that lash at my paradigm, I would keep away from. You know, niggling doubts. “Raw instincts are never to be acted on.” “Only things which have been thought out carefully should be done.” Thinking gave me a life I thought I wanted. But it also robbed away my ability to feel, and I let it. Did I knew it then? I can easily say I didn’t, but I think the truth was, I think I did. I just refused to admit it. The trap of the mind – ego. It was just too hard to admit that I was wrong. That there was so much more I didn’t understand, so much more I couldn’t understand. It was easier to pretend that they didn’t exist.

See, this ego, it’s a really funny thing. Ego kept me from hard work too. Ego kept me from many things. At the same time, it always encouraged me to feed it. Over time, ego became the loudest voice in my head. Oh, that ego didn’t really make me that overbearing I guess. I supposed it did at times, but I doubt it was a constant thing. The ego knows how to protect itself well. The ego will have tricked you not into believing that the other voices exist, but into the belief that those voices are not important… “Not you”. To prevent outside influence from getting at you, it will also tone itself down once in awhile, so that no one will stick a pin into that inflated balloon. I don’t know whether it was ego, or was it the me trying to bring it down, that motivated me to go for as many things as I did. Maybe both. In any case, it was what I did anyway.

Well, I crashed and burned. Burned out would have been a simple way to put it. I don’t even want to recollect that period of time. I hadn’t joined Leo Club for community service, but in the end, it was community service that shook me out of it. That was Serve China about a year ago. I still remember my days at Bo Ai fondly. And I really miss Kang Ning. He taught me that I still had the capacity to feel. He showed me how sad it was to have intelligence, but to have it repressed. Most of all, it was him crying when I was about to leave. For the first time in many years, I really had tears coming into my eyes. I didn’t let them out of course. But they were there nonetheless anyway. Back then though, I was still firmly entrenched in the trap. “He’s just a kid. It’s easy for him to become emotionally attached, he will forget about me soon enough.”

I went back to Singapore changed though. Maybe it wasn’t something obvious. But I know I did start to change. Gradually. With the ability to think… fears were cut away… one by one. But there are fears that thinking cannot deal with. Although I tried to kid myself, Kang Ning had severed another one for me. And although I didn’t know it then, I started to let go of fears more and more rapidly. Not by thinking, but by confronting them. Still, there were some that I didn’t. See, letting go of fear gives you more clarity. Each time you confront a fear though, that clarity vanishes for awhile. When the fear you confront is really something huge… haiz. Some fears are so strong, it was much easier to just pretend they didn’t exist. But deep in the middle of the night, we all know the truth.

Did I ever imagine I would act so much on instincts in times to come? Hahaha… no way. There was only ever one exception. 24 Dec 2006. And look where that left me. I was so pained after that that I never thought I would be able to act on instincts anymore. It seems foolish now, it was merely a minor thing, but the fool that I was was really affected. But it happened anyway. See, there were times when my mind just shut off. And I knew without a doubt what I wanted to do. And just did it. “Cos I felt like doing it.” It was a pretty humbling experience. I guess my ego didn’t like it. Whenever he regained control, I was always scolded very harshly. But I knew deep down that I would have done it again nonetheless. And that left me very confused? Who the hell am I? Each act of instinct brought me closer and closer to confronting other fears. And each time, it left me more and more bewildered. It is one thing when my mind tells me to follow my gut instinct, another when the mind isn’t there.

In any case, OIAP meant that I had to come here, to Shanghai. Much less chances to act on instinct. But here, I was also much less bombarded by things to worry and think about. And it allowed me to learn more. And finally to act on that trap of the mind. See, I realized that fear is non-existent. Fear is a product of ego. There is nothing to fear, because the fear doesn’t come from what we associate fear with. It comes from ourselves. Realizing this provided me with a model to start dealing with it. But you know, I still can’t do it. Not completely anyway.

I read about a guy who had a stripper for a girlfriend. And all of a sudden, it clicked. The missing key. Lifestyle. When we choose to be with people, we are choosing a particular lifestyle. And much more so for the person we fall in love with. But as I already knew, it is pointless to change yourself to fit the likes of another person. It is not the true you, and it will crumble away within a short period of time. It is exactly what I said about friends. You can’t force people to like and be your friends, but you can give them an opportunity to be. Whether they take it or not is their choice. It has become their problem, not yours. Well.. if one doesn’t have a lifestyle to share, it is no wonder that one becomes so dependent on others to validate themselves. I’ve never had that problem, but I had one other. I’ve never been absolutely clear about what life it is that I want. I know the general direction. And I work towards it… gradually. But I know deep down that it has to change. In those times my ego isn’t active, I know I have to set down to it. And soon.

One night, I was writing about it. But I didn’t finish. See, my ego was attacking me all of a sudden. I hadn’t nearly begun to realize it. And to date, I have still put it off. It may sound very simplistic, but to change your life, you have to get really clear about what the change you want is. It is pointless to want to change only.. the changes will last a short while, before you slip back into old habits. The ego is a formidable adversary indeed.

So why am I posting about it? I know what I want to do. But before I do it, I have to change first. Give me time. And hopefully.. support. Hopefully, within the next week, I can finally set down to doing clear definitions! By the way, I don’t think ego can be defeated. It just happens to be one of the voices in the head. My advice is, choose which voice you want to listen to. Carefully. Choose the one that resonates with how you feel, deep down. Then act on it. Is it hard? VERY! For me at least. But I know it will be worth it. And so do you. I have but one message… to be ourselves, first we must be happy with who we are! We are works-in-progress, but that doesn’t stop us from loving ourselves.. both the strengths and the flaws.. Jiayou!

Heh. Not gonna give a damn about title and post. Life’s complexity or simplicity is decided by our perspective after all!

I spent the whole weekend being super slack and relaxing. It was great! Relaxation helped a lot. But it’s also helped to make me “reasonably unhappy”. Relaxation helps me to bring things into context. And that’s when you realize where the problems are. Denial is a huge challenge I have to deal with. As is a perfectionist tendency.

Like a flood bursting out of the dam that couldn’t be contained, I felt myself unravelling all over again. I really want to say I couldn’t help it, but for one who has studied personal power, such excuses are no longer viable. Should I just face it, or should I let it disappear for awhile longer? Or can someone teach me how to let go?

It’s time to up risk-taking. Unless I feel challenged, I can’t get anything done anymore. Of the 4 enemies, I have yet to overcome the first. Time to slay fear with the blade of clarity.

I have no parents: I make the heavens and Earth my parents.
I have no home: I make awareness my home.
I have no life or death: I make the tides of breathing my life and death.
I have no divine power: I make honesty my divine power.
I have no means: I make understanding my means.
I have no magic secrets: I make character my magic secret.
I have no body: I make endurance my body.

I have no eyes: I make the flash of lightning my eyes.
I have no ears: I make sensibility my ears.
I have no limbs: I make promptness my limbs.
I have no strategy: I make “unshadowed by thought” my strategy.
I have no design: I make “seizing opportunity by the forelock” my design.
I have no miracles: I make right action my miracles.
I have no principles: I make adaptability to all circumstances my principles.

I have no tactics: I make emptiness and fullness my tactics.
I have no talents: I make ready wit my talent.
I have no friends: I make my mind my friend.
I have no enemy: I make carelessness my enemy.
I have no armor: I make benevolence and righteousness my armor.
I have no castle: I make immovable mind my castle.
I have no sword: I make absence of mind my sword.

My title has nothing to do with my post. It’s just how I felt when I began the day!

I woke at 2+am. It took me very long before I decided upon what to read. Haha. And in a flash, it came to me. The reason why I chose BS in the first place. After working here, I have realized something once again. When we work, we might have the time and money to invest in ourselves… but not the energy. Just for the record, I fell asleep close to 9pm. Given how much energy I usually have, that is nothing short of amazing. Josh lasting on a 13h battery life. Gods. We place so much effort into our work, giving our best, but what do we have left for ourselves? If I sleep at 12.30, I have about 4+h each day on self development. That’s a lot. But I barely have the energy to do it. Not that I can’t, but I know how painfully obvious it is that I am not progressing as fast as I can.

My number one lesson from this month: Appreciation. I didn’t appreciate the environment I had before. Now I can see how wasteful with my resources I was. I failed to appreciate the importance of health – energy is vital. I failed to appreciate the value of time for myself – scarce it has become. I failed to appreciate the opportunities that I had – regrets abound, in so many areas of life.

So why did I choose BS? I remember now. It was my first step towards reclaiming my life. A life in which I can be free to pursue what I want. The passion for business burned deeply and furiously. They still do. They were just smothered by the general consensus of the people around me. Or to be more precise, I allowed others to affect me. Business is my choice towards living a life of love and laughter. In my past two years, I basically broke myself down. Repeatedly. So much so that I had begun to forget the essence of who I am, what I stood for.

Sometimes, things have to be taken apart to build stronger foundations anew. That is certainly true for me. But imagine this… is it easier for a master painter to do a fresh painting, or to do one over a spoiled piece of work? Undoubtedly the latter. I had to empty myself, to let more flow into me. I had to rid thinking, to begin feeling. No wonder I felt such a profound sense of loss. The NLP state shift confirmed another thing. I can no longer live with my previous values and beliefs. It wasn’t long before they were shed entirely, although I didn’t really make much of an effort to re-condition myself. It was time to change.

So in what way have I changed? That’s a hard question to answer. I’m an unfinished painting. I guess the painting can still go in several different directions, depending on the choice of the painter. Who’s me. But regardless of what choice I make, I know that I will once again recall and use the innate magic that is inherent within each of us. There is no other possibility, for the magician is the master of possibilities. Seal the rest off, and the remaining one must be the choice to make. Awakening the Zagmeister.

Again. Haha. I feel much better after that rant from yesterday. I supposed it unlocked something else in me too. Though maybe from another perspective, it is, but another chain. There’s this shadow of a person flitting about in my mind. Even though I’ve refrained from communication (just once) and thinking, it is always lurking under the layers of consciousness. Sometimes, even in the middle of work, my attention just wanders over to the MSN list. What must I do to break this chain, or why am I unable to let go?

The words, never spoken, ever on the tip of my lip
The actions, never taken, occur nightly in my sleep
The songs, ever sung, resound in my throat so deep
The questions, ever wondered, drive me up this cliff so steep

As I have said, I can’t even begin to understand. I cant tell whether I really miss people actually. People have passed into and out of my life so often, I even wonder how keenly I can feel anything sometimes. I have people who spend much more effort to keep me talking. Hardly do I have to spend as much effort to keep any other conversation going. Hardly do I… haiz. Forget it. I need to think less, and just let things drop. I cant even meditate properly. A shadow becomes clearer and clearer as there is more light. I lost touch with fear, but it’s back to haunt me.

The funny thing is, even as I was typing it, I was laughing. Maybe at my own foolishness. Or maybe its just my perfectionist tendency. I never thought it would be easy. I must give myself enough time I guess. But while this aspect of my journey is not progressing as well, other parts are certainly doing fine! My own studies have given me much more insights. My confidence in work gets ever better. And many more. Either life is telling me to go resolve it, or I should learn a lesson of endurance, patience, and yes, suffering. What am I to think?

I want… 251521. It’s simple enough to decode I suppose. Let’s hope this is just passing, and I regain control of myself soon!

Even though its super late, and I should be asleep, with working coming in a few hours, I cant sleep. I cant help, but wonder at the actions of the foolish. They act as if they know everything, when their analysis of situations are merely child’s play. Yet, I can do naught, but blame myself, for a mistake made in the past. More than one actually. I lost so much to gain new insights into life.. lessons both bitter and painful. I really cannot understand why some idiots have to create mess all around that benefit no one. Damn it, I don’t want to care, yet I cant help, but do so.

Wisdom dictates that I let go of my emotions, to let myself feel better. Already, I am beginning to feel the symptoms. Experienced several waves of nausea just now. My body becoming more receptive to the way I feel is hardly a good thing right now. Wisdom dictates that things will take their natural course, but be resolved eventually. But for the sake of friendships, for ideals, how can one do naught, but try?

Wisdom dictates that I leave it and move on, for there are much better things in life awaiting me. But Josh is no quitter. Wisdom dictates that I have nothing to do with it, and thus shouldn’t intervene. But Josh will intercede if his friends are involved.

In short, Josh is a fool.